Conspiracy Theories for the Left to Spread

The Gunpowder Additive:
The Obama Administration, shortly after taking office, gave secret orders to add the rare element homosexuam, developed in secret Kenyan labs, to the gun powder in all recently manufactured ammunition. Stored in large quantities, this ammunition emits high levels of specialized radiation altering the DNA of humans in close proximity to these stockpiles turning these humans gay.

The Birth Certificate Project:
The Obama administration has diverted ten trillion dollars on a plan to secretly replace Republican birth records and certificates with forged documents from Kenya, Australia, and Hawaii (absent their proper state seals!) so that when you take your documents to a town hall meeting to show you have your birth certificate, and you ask where the president's documents are, the left wing media will be able to show that your documents are forged and you will be arrested (unlike millions of illegals who roam the country freely) and be deported to Pakistan.

Church Infiltration Initiative:
Obama operatives are infiltrating our nation's courageous churches posing as upstanding citizens. These operatives become very active in the church and begin befriending the most conservative members of the congregations. When they have infiltrated the church completely enough, they release an aerosolized version of the element homosexuam turning the congregation gay, or they commit public acts of debauchery and bring shame to the church. These operatives are very cunning and blend in well with real conservatives, so it is best not to get too close with other conservatives because these spies can be hiding right in front of you.

The Texas Secession Plan:
Obama officials are working on a plan in the bowels of the White House to encourage Texas to succeed from the United States. Once the state leaves the Union, the Obama Administration will open up huge secret tunnels and flood the state with illegal immigrants. When enough illegal immigrants have infiltrated the state, Obama will ask his good friend Hugo Chavez to invade from the south. Meanwhile all the red-blooded Texans who have stockpiled weapons and ammunition will become infected with homosexuam and decide to abandon Texas for San Francisco or Massachusetts leaving the state vulnerable to foreign hordes.

Eighties Music Did Not Suck, And Don't Let Anyone Tell You Otherwise

The Eighties sucked. It's a popular refrain, but it's about as thin as a Ray Parker Jr. song. Here is a series of really great albums released in the Eighties that prove a ton of vibrant and timeless music came to light during that decade.

AC/DC: Back in Black (1980)
Crunchy goodness. What more can I say?

A-Ha: Hunting High and Low (1985)
More than just the one hit. Sure it's fey, but it's infectious.

Bauhaus: In the Flat Field (1980)
This will cheer you up on a Saturday night. No, not really.

Beastie Boys: Licensed to Ill (1986)
This album made rap safe for middle America. And I mean that in a good way.

Beastie Boys: Paul's Boutique (1989)
Leaps and bounds above Licensed to Ill, it's still a bratty and brilliant album.

B-52's: Wild Planet (1980)
Surprisingly good. Great music to clean your house to. Trust me.

Big Country: the Crossing (1983)
What made them unique also held them in check. How much of that bagpipe sound does one need? At least one album's worth.

Black Flag: Damaged (1981)
West Coast punk at its best. Don't play this when your grandma's in the car unless she left her hearing aid at the house.

Bowie, David: Scary Monsters (1980)
The last great Bowie album. There would be sturdy hits to come, but this album still has a bit of danger to it.

Bow Wow Wow: I Want Candy (1982)
Mindless fluff? Yeah, but it's my kind of mindless fluff.

Bragg, Billy: Talking with the Taxman about Poetry (1986)
Great working man's harmonies.

Bush, Kate: Hounds of Love (1985)
Incredible voice, and an inventive an artist as their is.

Carroll, Jim: Catholic Boy (1980)
People Who Died was the "hit" but there's great music to be found throughout this album.

Cars: Heartbeat City (1984)
This album did not come out of my car stereo most summers. I just wish I'd had a convertible. That and a supermodel girlfriend.

Cash, Roseanne: King's Record Shop (1981)
Cash, Roseanne: Seven Year Ache (1987)
I understand why people say they don't like country. But they haven't listened to these two albums.

Chameleons U.K.: Strange Times (1986)
At first this album has a sameness to it that can be off-putting, but it unfolds with repeated listenings. Another tape I wore out more than once.

Chapman, Tracy: Tracy Chapman (1988)
After sitting out of college as my friends went off to academic excellence, I connected with this album and its hopeful simplicity. I still think it's a charmer.

Cohen, Leonard: I'm Your Man (1988)
It's Cohen. He's ancient and still touring. He's finally grown into his voice.

Costello, Elvis: Get Happy! (1980)
Costello, Elvis: Trust (1981)
Costello, Elvis: Imperial Bedroom (1982)
Costello, Elvis: King of America (1986)
Some artists are lucky enough to have these sort of sustained runs. Few artists are this lucky.

Cowboy Junkies: Trinity Sessions (1988)
Nothing but whispers and harmonica. Great Sunday morning album.

Crowded House: Crowded House (1986)
This album just makes me feel right with the world.

Cult: Electric (1987)
I like this album better than anything Soundgarden ever did.

Cure: Head on the Door (1984)
My favorite Cure album hands down. Jangly in a way that would make the Byrds nervous, I can't get enough of this album.

Crenshaw, Marshall: Marshall Crenshaw (1982)
Step away from the Buddy Holly comparisons. The guy just writes great pop tunes.

DBs: Stands for Decibels (1981)
Kind of a hidden gem like Big Star. They never sniffed a hit, but certainly should have.

De La Soul: 3 Feet High and Rising (1989)
Intelligent and tune savvy, this album hinted at what rap could do if the artists thought outside the box. No boxes here.

English Beat: I Just Can't Stop It (1980)
English Beat: Special Beat Service (1982)
No record collection is complete without these two albums.

Eno, Brian: My Life in the Bush of Ghosts (1981)

Etheridge, Melissa: Melissa Etheridge (1988)
Even if you don't think you like her, this album is a revelation. I saw her in Nashville and dragged a friend along, and afterward he said he thought she gave one of the better performances he'd ever seen.

Eurythmics: Sweet Dreams (1983)
I can remember waiting up late hoping they'd play the video for Sweet Dreams one more time before I went to bed. Orange hair had never occurred to me as an option before I'd seen Annie Lennox.

Feelies: Crazy Rhythms (1980)
Guitar madness lies here. I'm just warning you, so you can't say you weren't warned.

Fine Young Cannibals: Fine Young Cannibals (1985) Loved the move back to soul. R&B had gotten pretty stale, but Roland Gift's voice was unlike anything I'd heard at the time.

Fixx: Reach the Beach (1983)
One thing leads to another. Another distinctive sound. To some I suppose they're another form of Toto, but I kind of like them.

Gabriel, Peter: 3 (1980)
You mean there was a Genesis before Phil Collins? Really? Video made Gabriel a pop culture star, but he was a visceral artist well before his album So.

Go-Gos: Beauty and the Beat (1987)
This album has some serious spine. When I listened to it again recently I was surprised at how fresh it still sounded. Kind of wish Belinda Carlisle had stuck with the rock chick thing instead of the more glamourous cat suit stuff. Well part of me doesn't, but my ears sure do.

Guns N' Roses: Appetite for Destruction (1984)
This album should be celebrated for giving rock back its soul. Some albums like Nirvana's Nevermind change music by pushing it in new directions. Other albums, like this one, change music by reminding other artists what's important.

Hiatt, John: Bring the Family (1987)
Labled for years as one of those songwriters who can't sing, Bring the Family gave the finger to his critics by using that worn out voice of his to show that great songs can be made transcendant when delivered honestly. Stripped down as it is, the album is incredibly moving and should be in any record collection worth a darn.

Hoodoo Gurus: Stoneage Romeos (1983)
One of those albums you buy because a clerk tells you it's good. But in this case, the clerk didn't lie. This was the soundtrack to my sophmore year. I have to say that the soundtrack was infinitely better than the movie it went with...

Housemartins: London 0, Hull 4 (1986)
Happy Hour indeed.

Husker Du: Zen Arcade (1984)
Husker Du: New Day Rising (1985)
I had a friend who went from listening to .38 Special and Journey to these guys. For the first few nights we went cruising along the main drag, I was deeply disturbed. And then I wasn't.

Icicle Works: Icicle Works (1984)
Worth buying for Whisper to a Scream, but like Modern English and I Melt With You, this band is unfairly labeled a one hit wonder. Many of their albums could be spotty, but that's not the case here.

Indigo Girls: Indigo Girls (1989)
Will drive the testosterone right out of a room, but you can't deny the power of this album. It's like an eighties version of Carole King's Tapestry.

INXS: The Swing (1984)
Another recommendation from a record store clerk that didn't suck. I prefer this and Shabooh Shabah to the later, pop craft of the following albums.

Jam: Sound Effects (1980)
The greatest Jam albums fell in the seventies, but you shouldn't let that stop you from picking this album up.

Jane's Addiction: Nothing's Shocking (1988)
Somewhere along the line Perry Farrell began to annoy me, but he hadn't reached that point yet with this great album from 1988.

Jesus and Mary Chain: Psychocandy (1985)
They never did this sound better. Honey's Dead came close, but if you have to buy only one (and who says you do?) then this is the place to start.

Joy Division: Closer (1980)
Classic in the way that AC/DC's Back in Black is classic. If you don't have the ears to hear it's brilliance, I don't have a lot of time for you.

Lone Justice: Lone Justice (1985)
Maria has a voice that makes you sit up and ask, Who is this? And this album is ridiculously inexpensive. Thanks Geffen!

Lang, K.D.: Shadowland (1988)
Lang, K.D.: Absolute Torch and Twang (1989)
Another great voice. I love these albums along with Ingenue from the nineties. Country music needed a little kick in the pants and K.D. gave it just that.

Los Lobos: How Will the Wolf Survive? (1984)
Rootsy goodness all around. Kiko is a more adventuresome album, but this will have you rumbling down the road until it gets here.

Love and Rockets: Express (1986)
Big old wall of sound and a bit of eyeliner thrown in the mix. I think this album is highly underrated and a bit forgotten when discussion of the decade's best comes up.

Lovett, Lyle: Lyle Lovett (1986)
His likeable personality really comes through in his music. Country only in the broadest sense, see him live if you ever get the chance.

Lowe, Nick: Rose of England (1985) Red onions, black olives and Nick Lowe. My wife doesn't like any of the three and some days that makes me almost cry.

Madness: Presents the Rise and Fall (1982) Another band that makes me happy.

Mellencamp, John: Scarecrow (1985)
Another soundtrack to my high school days. He'd already shown an ability to make hit records, but few could have foreseen the growth of this artist over such a short period of time.

Mellencamp, John: The Lonesome Jubilee (1987)
Why Jackie Brown was not a huge hit, I'll never understand. It's a brilliant ballad and should have received more attention.

Modern English: After the Snow (1982)
Everybody knows the single, now an ever-present commercial jingle. This song can't be diminished no matter what it's selling, but the album is above average as well, and those who listen only to the single risk missing out on one of the eighties's more solid offerings.

Mould, Bob: Workbook (1989) Gorgeous offering from Bob Mould, lead singer of Husker Du. Still part primal scream, but also quite pretty in places. Sunspots is a stand out.

New Order: Low Life (1985)
New Order: Brotherhood (1986)
I'm not sure if you can say these albums have soul, because they're very emotionally cool. Still find much to like here as many of the other electronic-based albums have fallen away.

Parker, Graham: The Mona Lisa's Sister (1988)
Some critics poo-poo Parker's choices on this album, particularly the cover of Cupid, but, while not the equal of his best '70's albums, it's still a damn good entry.

Petty, Tom: Full Moon Fever (1989)
I'm so glad he sold a million records. He's the rare artist who is commercially successful but still adventurous. Great for road trips and late night sing-a-longs.

Plimsouls: Everywhere at Once (1983)
This is an album that is the anti-Petty in that every song on here should have been a top ten hit because they're just so damned catchy. Did they get any airplay though? Crickets.

Pixies: Doolittle (1989)
This album is like a wooly worm in a blender.

Pogues: Rum Sodomy and the Lash (1985) Perhaps the ugliest teeth in rock and roll, Shane MacGowen gave us some great music before showing his ass once too often for the rest of the band. If I Should Fall... has some great songs as well, but this album, track for track, is my favorite from the eighties.

Police: Ghost in the Machine (1981)
Police: Synchronicity (1983)
Sting. first few solo albums aside, bores me to the very core. These albums still sound a bit dangerous, noisy and driven. Why would you give that up and play things so safe?

Pretenders: Pretenders (1980)
Pretenders: Learning to Crawl (1984)
Not bad for a rock critic giving up her day job. I could listen to her voice all day, every day. And few vocalists can sound this ballsy one minute and just as vulnerable the next.

Prince: 1999(1982)
Prince: Purple Rain (1984)
Prince: Sign of the Times (1987)
This is the one artist that had a run to rival REM's. He's still interesting track to track, but the sustained quality of these three gems is impressive. Now if he could just be a bit less expansive, he might have some other great albums in him.

Psychedelic Furs: Psychedelic Furs (1980) I suppose some listeners may find them droney. I like that in small doses, and this album is the perfect dose.

Public Enemy: It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (1982) Parents just don't understand what makes this album so inviting. Watching Flavor Flav on his reality show, it must be even a bit more perplexing. Still, it has the raw power of anything Iggy did.

REM: Murmur (1983)
REM: Reckoning (1984)
REM: Document (1987)
From college darlings to arena rock megastars in a few short years. The Reckoning is my favorite right now, but that changes every few months. This band always had great singles, but the album tracks are often their equals.

Replacements: Pleased to Meet Me (1987)
Replacements: Let It Be (1984)
Tough call on which album is best. Skyway has the charm of Big Star's Thirteen, so I'll give it the edge.

Robertson, Robbie: Robbie Robertson (1986)
Robertson's voice sounds epic. Sultry and spare, this album finds Robertson not resting on his laurels.

Rundgren, Todd: Nearly Human (1989)
Todd is God indeed. I think this is out of print, so keep an eye out in the used bins. The cover of Costello's Two Little Hitlers is sublime, and the rest of the album matches that tracks energy.

Run DMC: Run DMC (1984)
Run DMC: King of Rock (1985)
Run DMC: Raising Hell (1982)
Their cover of Walk This Way broke rap to the masses. Until this track there was a schism between rock & roll and rap. In the video, the bands literally break through that wall. All three albums are worth owning, and a lot of fun to listen to.

Saints: All Fool's Day (1987)
More polished than their punk albums from the 1970s, the horns may throw off long time fans, but to those who love great music, this is a masterpiece on the level of Eternally Yours.

Saints: A Little Madness to be Free (1984)
Harder to find than the earlier and later albums, this is still worth seeking out.

Simon, Paul: Graceland (1986)
Unlike my wife, I prefer solo Simon to the Simon and Garfunkel albums. This album's brightness might date it a bit, but it's importance in breaking world music to a larger audience can't be denied. It kept Chevy Chase in the limelight as well.

Smiths: Smiths (1985)
Smiths: The Queen is Dead (1986)
Some people think of the Smiths as the worst incarnation of that sniveling eighties' sound, but I love the angst of the vocals, the melody in even the most morose material, and of course, Johnny Marr's guitar.

Sonic Youth: Daydream Nation (1988)
If you only get one Sonic Youth album (!?) this should be it.

Specials: More Specials (1980)
There are better Specials albums, but this one is not to be missed either.

Springsteen, Bruce: Nebraska (1982)
Spare and dark. And I tend to prefer my Springsteen spare and dark.

Squeeze: East Side Story (1981)
Not nearly enough people appreciate the sheer pop genius of this group in their heyday. It's an incredibly catchy album, but then again, this is Squeeze we're talking about.

Talking Heads: Remain in Light (1980)
Talking Heads: Speaking in Tongues (1983)
I began my love affair with the Talking Heads with S.I.T., an album I've seen downgraded the last few years, but I still can't get enough of songs like Burning Down the House, Girlfriend is Better, and This Must be the Place. Remain in Light is an even better outing, maybe their best.

Tears for Fears: Songs from the Big Chair (1985)
Poppier than the Hurting, this album launched Tears for Fears into the stratosphere. The production is absolutely of its time, but I just can't think of that as a bad thing.

10,000 Maniacs: In My Tribe (1989)
I loved the Wishing Chair even though I couldn't understand a word Ms. Merchant was singing. She discovered enunciation with this album (sort of) and it may be a slightly better album because of it. Both are worth checking out though.

They Might Be Giants: They Might Be Giants (1986)
With later albums I felt they became more of a singles band, but there's not a bad song in this bunch. Hideaway Folk Family always cheers me up.

Thompson, Richard and Linda: Shoot Out the Lights (1982)
Folk. Rock. Folk Rock. Makes a ton of Top 100 album lists, and justifiably so. Linda's voice is one of the finest I've ever heard. He's not bad at playing guitar either.

Tommy Tutone: Tommy Tutone (1980)
Tommy Tutone: Tommy Tutone 2 (1981)
This band is so much better than a one hit wonder. If you like 867-5309 then find these albums. It kills me when people assume a band is the sum of their single hit.

UB40: Labour of Love (1983)
UB40: Rat in the Kitchen (1986)
Perhaps too polished for reggae purists, I still backed into reggae music by discovering this band. They knew a good cover when they heard one. Rat in the Kitchen is overlooked, and the equal of Labour in just about every way.

U2:War (1983)
U2: Joshua Tree (1987)
Before Bono became a saint, he was just insufferably earnest. But there's no denying the power of their music, his voice, and the tightness of the band.

Vapors: New Clear Days (1980)
Another band known for a single "hit," they are another example of some major talent ignored by the masses. If the Hooters could be all over the airwaves, why not the Vapors?

Vega, Suzanne: Suzanne Vega (1985)
Before her huge hit, she still was an artist to be reckoned with. This album was released at the beginning of the burgeoning folk revival movement, and it's one of the best releases of that year.

Violent Femmes: Violent Femmes (1983)
If you don't already own this, I have to ask, "What happened?"

Waits, Tom: Swordfishtrombones ((1983)
Waits, Tom: Raindogs (1985)
So what if he can't sing? His off-kilter ballads and madman crooning lift the hair off the top of my head. In a good way. Gun Street Girl, Clap Hands, Cemetery Polka-- tremendous albums both.

Waterboys:
This Is the Sea (1985) Whole of the Moon cranks along nicely, and the horns aren't overdone. This album swells and ebbs in all the right ways. A Pagan Place is worth seeking out as well.

X: Los Angeles: (1980)
Wailing vocals and dangerous bass guitar. Los Angeles sounded like a post-Apocalyptic hell to my young mind.

XTC: Skylarking ((1986)
Many of their albums are just as good, but I love the song Dear God in a way that put my little Methodist soul in serious jeopardy.

Yaz: Upstairs at Eric's (1982)
This album was played before high school play. I still couldn't remember my lines, but by the end of the school year I could do a mean Moyet.

Yoakam, Dwight: Buenas Noches from a Lonely Room (1988)
Why country stations won't play him is beyond me. He is country. He is. And a damn fine actor to boot.

Young Marble Giants: Colossal Youth (1980)
Rudimentary and austere, this album still sounds fresh. A classic to rock critics, it's still not a wellknown album in many circles. You should buy it and try to change that immediately.

Zevon, Warren: Sentimental Hygiene (1987)
His earlier albums are more consistently brilliant, but this is a slow boil of a collection. Boom Boom Mancini is a highlight. And Leave My Monkey Alone went on about every compilation tape I made that year.

On Civility

Are we losing ground on civility, or are we just being dreamy-headed about the past? Watch CNN for more than an hour and you will think the world is coming to an end next week. Watch Fox News and you'll buy a gun and start digging a bunker.

But I have to say that I'm not sure that's the case. We've had plenty of incivility and unrest in this country. We've had our share of violence and carnage since we came off the boats. Even in the Bible, we don't get two generations away from creation without our first murder.

When I was remodeling a building a few years ago, I found some newspapers from 1935 wrapping the water supply line. On the front page were stories about a suicide, a double murder and two robberies, and this was in Bowling Green, Kentucky. My own grandparents would gossip about their neighbors affairs, embezzlements, drinking problems, and domestic violence. A local doctor had murdered his boys for the insurance money.

I think it's the same way with civility. Forty years ago in the south, people were openly racist as a common practice. Where's the civility in that? Many men and women felt hostile toward women who chose to work outside the home. Where's the civility in that?

Personally, I like civility, but I can do just as well with people not acting like an aggressive jerk or showing their ass in public. Joe Wilson, Serena Williams, and Kanye West all showed their ass last week. Some were contrite because they seemed genuinely remorseful (Kanye), some because they felt pressured (Joe), and some because they seemed worried about how it looked for a diva making millions to threaten a line judge (Serena).

I understand how easy it is to show your ass. I've given the gentle tootle to some distracted driver ignoring the green light. When I get blasted with middle fingers from both windows, I get as pissed as the next person. When I play basketball I can be a surly son of a bitch. It's painful on many levels to compound the fact that I'm old and slow with a perceived lack of respect. I've said some things I regret, and I'm thankful there weren't any cameras to capture my behavior for posterity.

I think a lot of the problem is the speed at which we live now, and this is an old argument. There's not a lot of time for reflection or remorse. News cycles focus more on dissection or a sort of verbal proctology. Which pundit can say the wittiest thing on the View? How in-depth can a news show be if they give a three minute segment to civility and they have nine panelists yapping like jackals for their scrap of face time?

When Jay Leno asked Kanye what he thought his mother would think of his actions, I thought that was the perfect question to ask the rapper. He obviously feels a deep love for the memory of his mother. Whether the remorse will prevent future outbursts, who knows. With Serena, I'm inclined to cut her some slack. I'm a librarian. My job performance isn't filmed for all the world to see. Librarianship isn't as competitive as many jobs, and the pressures to win a librarian tournament would be fairly mild compared to the legacy and financial windfall of the US Open. Not an excuse for being an ass, just some context. Joe Wilson is a politician. We rarely elect statesmen any more, so I don't think decorum, particularly considering the limelight and campaign contributions he's received since his outburst are going to impact his impulse control. Think of the hubris that generally goes into running for office. The politicians sit around mulling over the problems faced by this country, and they ultimately decide: "You know what this country really needs? Me."

All but one of my grandparents has passed away, but my parents have begun their own soft rituals. They've grown into their role as tsk-tskers. They've embraced the clucking of tongues. As I pursue my Masters north of forty years old, I see the dreaded generational gap becoming more pronounced. My classmates don't know who Billy Idol is. The sit in the hall waiting for class to start, and feet away from each other, instead of making new friends, the text madly to their friends. They chat casually about drunkenness on their cell phones. I'm becoming an old poop. An old poop who knows how to set a good screen, box out, and counter an elbow with an elbow. I just have to remember to apologize to the guy with the bloody nose, right?

Losing My Religion

I grew up in the Methodist church, and my family attended in streaks, usually orbiting nearest at the major religious holidays. I loved the Christmas pageants, the Easter egg hunts, the Passion Plays and the candlelight vigils. Sermons, not so much. When my paternal grandfather passed away one autumn, I remember the dark suits, the thin look of the sky. I remember how the congregation spilled out onto the sidewalks and lawn and people spoke in soft voices and lit each others cigarettes. Mothers daubed tissues at scuffed shoes and unruly hair. I felt empty and it stuck.

Sunday afternoons when we didn't attend our own church, I'd watch the church services on television and see the members of the congregations moved to tears, see how they swayed from foot to foot and raise their hands above their heads. When wrestling came on after church, that's when I felt moved. As Jerry Lawler brawled with the Junkyard Dog, I'd leap from the couch to the floor and pin imaginary foes to the canvas. On some level I knew it was fake, but I sensed everyone was in on the joke. With God, there was no knowing wink. I risked more than looking foolish if I didn't believe. What's worse than a body slam gone wrong? Winding up in hell.

The thing is, with hell you had specifics. Fire and brimstone. Pitchforks and a pointed tail. Ask what heaven was like, and you got odd descriptions: the streets were paved with gold, there were no diseases, no sins, no hunger. Everyone played the harp while wearing white robes and they sat at the knee of Jesus. When we had the plays in church and I sat at the knee of Jesus, one of God's little lambs, I squirmed. I fidgeted. I yawned in the face of the Lord. Who went to heaven? Uncle Sy with the faded tattoo and the onion breath. The little bald girl who died in fifth grade. Aunt Tillie who had a thousand marbles she wouldn't let us play with. Heaven sounded like a hospital, a place where nothing could be touched.

"There are no pets in heaven" said the lady with the bunched up hair. "They have no souls," so they don't need to go. Heaven needed a publicist. On television, the news anchor refereed the debate between the pro-pet Christian and the anti-pet Christian. I thought of my Grandmother Ida who rapped the back of my head when I said gosh or golly while watching "The Price is Right." She called black people niggers. She became a Christian because she was once very fat and people laughed at her until she found a home in the church. She made peace with the Lord in her fat heart. Let the people who laughed at her fatness be damned. I decided I believed in God in the same way I believed in trees. It made sense to me, but I kept it to myself.

If someone sent me a copy of the Bible and wanted to publish it, I'd have fallen in love with its chaos, its scope and ambition, its ambiguity, its language. I'd have asked for more clarity. Where are the dinosaurs? Why is there slavery? Why did Abraham have to scare the hell out of Isaac just to prove a point? Did Job really think his new wife somehow made up for the loss of the other? I'd have taken a blue pencil to it and really marked it up. It has been marked up before, but the people who did the editing were like a bunch of crazy uncles.

Now people are sure of the most silly things. Homosexuality is wrong. Abortion is wrong. It's okay to let foreign children starve to death because it is God's will. It's not for us to question what he's up to? His plan is large and it contains multitudes. There's a certainty and arrogance in most believers I find quite alarming. There so sure their singular reading of the Bible is correct, when I can tell from the multitude of faiths it inspires, that the words are open to many interpretations. Their certainty drives a wedge between them and the mysteries of the world. They can't see how their strict and arbitrary clinginess to certain scriptures causes pain to people who mean well. They love Christ with one breath, but in the very next, they show their hollowness, mean-spiritedness, and guile. They hope for technicalities to get them in heaven. For pardons. For do-overs and fine print.

If some of these people get to heaven, will they toss rocks at the stray dogs at the edge of Heaven's fields? Will they tack signs above the water fountains that say "White Only?" Under their robes, will they have secret erections, loaded guns, wooden spoons for the backs of idle hands? When we gather at the knees of Jesus, will he be taking questions?

Best Teen Films Ever

Many teen comedies miss the mark because they focus on tight bodies, great hair and a hot soundtrack. Those elements only get you so far. The films below get the mix right, giving us characters to care about, to root for, to look for at future reunions. In no particular order:


1) Say Anything--- Has there ever been a more realistic character than Lloyd Dobler? Stars one of our national treasures in John Mahoney who plays Ione Skye's father.

2) Dazed and Confused--- Mathew and Ben have never been better. The casting director should be in the casting director hall of fame. "You know what I like about high school girls? I keep getting older, and they stay the same age."

3) Fast Times at Ridgemont High-- Phoebe Cates has never been better. Glad I got that out of my system. Ray Walston is perfect as Mr. Hand. The casting director didn't exactly do a bad job here either.

4) The Adventures of Sebastian Cole--- Most people have never heard of this odd little film, but the storyline is a lot of fun.

5) Gregory's Girl--- It's got soccer and hot eighties chicks.

6) Almost Famous--- Who wouldn't want to work for Rolling Stone? While still in high school.

7) Breakfast Club--- Maybe it is a bit precious, but it sure felt like it walked the same high school halls that I did. I dreamed of being as cool as Judd Nelson. Don't hold that against me.

8) Metropolitan--- The dialogue absolutely sparkles. This film focuses on a wealthier subset than most teen films, but they're very human. Another relative unknown film more people should be familiar with. Available on a nice Criterion version.

9) Sixteen Candles--- It's a very sweet film from John Hughes, but I still think Molly Ringwald could have done better. Sure the guy is handsome and drives a Porsche, but he has the personality of a pizza box.

10) Clueless--- Don't tell anyone that this is a version of Jane Austen's Emma. Still, Dan Hedaya is terrific as Cher's doting father, and the whole cast has great chemistry. Light but very enjoyable.

11) Superbad--- McLovin is the Jeff Spicoli of a younger generation. Sweet natured and crude at the same time. Just like I remember high school being.

12) The Chocolate War-- Film based on the Robert Cormier novel, the ending is different than the books, but this is still a powerfully directed movie about loss and redemption.

13) Juno--- Sure she's smartier and sassier than even the most precocious of my friends ever thought about being, but Juno is one of those characters you can't take your eyes off of. Jason Bateman does a fine job as a creepy husband who has lost his way.

14) American Graffiti--- I love Charles Martin Smith. It's an older generation's coming of age movie, but the film captures the mix and melancholy and joy of those last nights in a small town better than just about any other script I can think of.

15) Diner--- Still one my favorite Barry Levinson vehicles. A great young cast roughs about their stomping grounds hoping to find direction in life. Direction might be overstating things. Another casting director who knew what they were doing.

16) Valley Girl--- Is this movie in 3-D? No dude, but your face is. Sure there's bad acting all around, but the film has panache and some really, really great music. I'm not sure you can draw a straight line from this Cage vehicle, to say, Con-Air, but I like it. The dick heads are dick heads and the cool kids are oh so cool. (Thanks Leslie)

17) The Last Picture Show--- This film will dry your eyeballs out, the landscape is so dusty and arid. You understand why the stars of the film so desperately want to leave. Jeff Bridges may be one of our most underrated actors because so few of his films have been blockbusters. Of all the authors who have their books regularly made into movies, I have to say that Larry McMurtry has led a charmed life. (Thanks Jim)

Top Ten Books

1) To Kill a Mockingbird-- Harper Lee

2) The Sheltering Sky-- Paul Bowles

3) Beloved-- Toni Morrison

4) Wolf Whistle-- Lewis Nordan

5) The God of Small Things-- Arundhati Roy

6) The Butcher Boy-- Patrick McCabe

7) The Ghost of Dibble Hollow-- May Nickerson Wallace

8) The Chocolate War-- Robert Cormier

9) The Complete Stories-- Flannery O'Connor

10) Bartleby, the Scrivener-- Herman Melville

Home School Syllabus For Parents Offended By Obama's Speech

So, if you are offended by Obama's speech to your school children and you worry that his whole "stay in school" message is poisoning the minds of your sons and daughters, here's a recommended syllabus for your first day home schooling your children:

8:00 a.m. A quick breakfast of gruel mixed with lard to help build character.

8:05 a.m. Construction of aluminum hats.

9:25 a.m. Firearm safety.

11:45 a.m. Abortion provider target practice.

Noon Break for lunch. Beef, no pork. Wouldn't want the kiddos getting swine flu.

12:15 p.m. Civics lesson: A thorough study of the Constitution focusing primarily on the Second Amendment and our founding fathers' belief that liberals are evil.

1:00 p.m. Speech and Debate: We listen to Rush Limbaugh tell the left how things are.

1:15 p.m. Physical Education: Have the children unload the Hummer and take the canned goods to the bunker.

2:00 p.m. Bible study focusing on the Old Testament and Revelations, particularly sections focusing on smiting one's enemies.

4:00 p.m. Snack break: A little slice of Mom's homemade apple pie.

4:30 p.m. Math: Word Problems: If Orly Taitz produces one new Kenyan birth certificate per month and there are nineteen bats in her belfry, how many oars does she have in the water?

5:00 p.m. History: Draw a time line of Democratic evil doings throughout history. Essay on how Obama is equal to Hitler due just before dinner.

5:30 p.m. Home Economics: Today's topic-- How a woman's place is in the home.

6:00 p.m. Comparative Religion: Compare and contrast how all the religions show that Obama is the anti-Christ. Reading quiz to follow supper.

6:30 p.m. Environmental Science: Leave refrigerator door open to spite greeno whack jobs. Throw aluminum hats into storm drain to clog the so-called "watershed."

7:00 p.m. Reading quiz. Dinner-- Deer meat from the deep freezer.

8:00 p.m. Evening prayer. Reminder about importance of abstinence and brief lecture on the evils of onanism. Lights out.

Let's Talk About the Real Death Panels

One of the great myths in this country is that a defendant is presumed innocent until proven guilty. If you find your ass in the defendant's chair, I would not put too much faith in the skepticism of that jury of your peers. They think you must be guilty or your case would not have made it this far. They probably also suspect that the judge has kicked out any reference to your seven other axe murders, so they are just looking for the smallest bit of information they need in order to sleep comfortably at night after they decide you are definitely death penalty eligible.

We are a nation that gives a great amount of lip service to "personal accountability." When politicians speak of this, they of course are talking about welfare moms, drug addicts and criminals. They do not mean the politicians who provide piss-poor funding to public defenders, or district attorneys who pull shenanigans with the evidence in criminal cases, or the police officers who do the same with facts and evidence that end up convicting innocent people. I'll be the first to say that I don't think malfeasance is a common occurrence, but it happens with enough regularity that pro-lifers ought to at least pause before blindly endorsing their next pro-death penalty candidate. If you are okay with the conviction of a few innocent people in order to punish a good number of the guilty, that doesn't make you tough on crime, it makes you a monster. The way the system is set up now, there's virtually no way to guarantee that innocent people won't get put to death.

Here's another myth about our system: It's better to let a hundred guilty men go free than to kill one innocent man. Bullshit. No one that's for the death penalty believes that. They sleep just fine believing that the death of innocent convicts is a rare occurrence and that the vast majority of those put to death probably did it. There's more and more evidence all the time that shows the disparity in the system regarding the justice rich and white defendants get compared to the justice received by poor and minority defendants. And I'm not talking about people who got off on technicalities, I'm talking about forensic scientists who manufactured evidence, prosecutors and police officers who suppressed exculpatory evidence, and juries who believed the state sanctioned experts over reliable defense witnesses because juries for capital cases have been shown to be more socially conservative than general juries because they MUST agree to consider the death penalty before they can be empaneled.

We have all read the horrific stories of sexual predators who serve too little time and then go on to commit more brutal and sadistic crimes. We should be outraged by these events. But I find it strange that there's so little outrage for the miscarriages of justice that result in innocent men and women going to prison or being put to death for crimes they did not commit. It seems axiomatic with the number of prisoners exonerated in this country that our legal systems has too numerous flaws to ever put a person to death. Lock them away for life. Put them in a super max prison. But if there are mistakes made in these trials, there should be some culpability with those who played a role in the miscarriage of justice. There should be legal and civil ramifications for the state when they take away an innocent person's freedom. I have seen so many news stories where the state agents circle the wagon, prosecutors plead ignorance of the facts in the cases, cops say they were only doing their jobs, and judges fudge the narrative when they could have used their powers as a judge to avoid a miscarriage of justice. I don't think for a minute that these same people would condone these sorts of excuses from someone they were interviewing, charging, or sentencing.

If we could guarantee that only those absolutely guilty would be condemned to death, we could have an honest argument regarding the application of the death penalty in a just society. We're so far away from that right now, the death penalty just needs to be removed from the equation so no other innocent lives are put at risk

Wine Recommendations

I know that each year can be different from the next, but with these recommendations I'm primarily focusing on the type of wine and the winery. It skews heavily to chards and petite syrahs, our favorites, but I'll add other great choices as I come across them.

Red Diamond Chardonnay-- buttery, without the oak tones I frequently find unpleasant in chardonnays.

Edna Valley Chardonnay-- another superb chardonnay, a bit pricier than the Red Diamond, but an excellent bottle for under $15.

Huntington Petite Syrah-- silky with a little zip. I want a second glass as soon as I finish the first. Great finish.

Bogle Petite Syrah-- the equal of the Huntington Petite Syrah. Both wines feel great on the tongue.

Gnarlyhead Old Vine Zinfandel-- A big, bold zin with lots of round fruity flavor. If I want something drier than this I steer toward a malbec, but this is an excellent choice for red wine lovers.

Great Television Programs

There are many very fine television programs airing these days, and several stations, WGN and TV Land among them, air classic programs as part of their broadcast day. Some of the older programs really hold up. Here is a list of older shows that any fan of television should seek out followed by a list of recent television shows I feel will considered classics in years to come.

Classics:

Frank's Place: Tim Reid starred in this well-reviewed blend of drama and comedy that was so far ahead of its time, viewers didn't know how to react to it. It had no laugh track, so those watching had to make up their own minds about whether or not something was funny. The show received several Emmy nominations but was canceled anyway. If anyone had any sense at all this show would find its way to DVD immediately.

Combat-- Vic Morrow is the star of a gritty platoon of soldiers in World War II. The first season is directed by Robert Altman, and the darker tone of the story lines is one of the main reasons his time at the helm was limited.

Twilight Zone: Sterling writing talent helped establish this Rod Serling vehicle as one of the best programs to ever air. Everyone has a favorite episode, but there are very few episodes that fall flat.

NYPD Blue: It's funny to think that creators envisioned David Caruso as the star of this show when they should have been familiar with the strength of Dennis Franz's work from prior collaborative efforts. The show had many cast changes over the years, and was frequently chaotic with scripts coming later and later in the shooting schedule. Perhaps because of this on-the-fly quality, the show maintains a visceral vitality that is hard to beat. The growth in humanity of Andy over the years is one of the all time great character arcs. There's not a week that goes by where I don't miss his presence on television.

Homicide: Life on the Streets: Another great ensemble cast with many changes in personnel. This Barry Levinson program is filled with fascinating characters, and the dynamic between the disparate police officers is a joy to watch. In many ways the police procedural elements are an afterthought, which sounds like a knock on the writing. Far from it-- the writing is excellent, and the cast feeds off of the crackling story lines. The frequent use of gallows humor is an added plus.

Barney Miller: A pragmatic but amiable leader, the title character, Barney Miller, is everything I'd want in a boss. The show was the perfect blend of humor and heartbreak. I recently watched the pilot episode and it was so incredibly flat it's a minor miracle that it was picked up and allowed to blossom into this special, special show. Abe Vigoda aside, more of these actors should have had much longer careers in television. I keep waiting for Blood on the Badge to come out in paperback. If anyone bumps into Ron Glass, ask him what's the hold up.

West Wing: Aaron Sorkin made the liberal arguments better than any politician at the time. Until the last year when I lost track of the show because of a move in scheduling, the West Wing was required viewing. Another pat on the back must go to those involved in the casting of the show-- there wasn't a weak actor in the bunch, and with insightful writing to work with, they put on quite a show.

The White Shadow: I can't explain why so few people are familiar with the fine work Ken Howard did in this unjustifiably forgotten series. It takes a realistic look at the workings of an inner city school and its dysfunctional basketball program led by a prickly new coach. Player actually graduated when they were supposed to, and made decisions that were both expected and surprising. I'm not sure there's been a better sports show on television (the jury's still out until I watch Friday Night Lights and Sports Night) but even if sports aren't your thing, there's plenty to recommend the White Shadow.

New Classics?

The Shield: This show crackles with equal parts malice and grace. It's twice the show of 24 and its silly later plots. And I've not felt this conflicted in rooting for the bad guys in my life. Michael Chiklis has come a long way from his role as the Commish. Still, this show explored morality in ways few other shows even thought about, and the characters almost always payed a price for their transgressions. Hell most of them payed a price no matter what they did.

Firefly: Fox gave this series almost a year and then pulled it as its growing base of fans positively howled. I felt depressede watching this series on DVD as I neared the end of season one and realized there weren't any episodes to follow. When you consider the kind of trash that's routinely renewed, it's cancellation is that much more repugnant. If you find a better character than Jayne Cobb, you let me know.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I have friends who have never given this series a chance because they saw "an episode" in syndication once. Buffy's charm is cummulutive. It doesn't take itself too seriuously and yet the audience falls hard for the cast, even the villains. It's not so much a show about vampires as it is a show about the difficulty of making and keeping friends. The vampires are just a prize in the bottom of the box.

Dexter: A serial killer with a heart of gold? Maybe. This show has some plot holes that can be hard to overlook at times, but the leads are so damned good, I'd come back anyway. This show is addictive in ways that are difficult to explain. Give it half a season to sink its hooks in. I dare you.

Veronica Mars: I can remember TV Guide and USA Today begging viewers to tune in this high school mystery. Alas, I was one of the guilty non-viewers who paid the price for ignoring it. Into the third season I knew I'd get dumped. The cast is crushingly good, and your head positively spins trying to figure out whether some of these characters are angels or demons (morally not physically-- this isn't Buffy we're talking about).

The Simpsons: There's a reason this animated series is still on television. It's not just the flesh of the citizens of Springfield that's golden. Damn fine writing and worth a half-dozen belly laughs each half-hour episode. When was the last time you saw a feature lenght comedy that could match that?

Deadwood: How can such an accumulation of malcontents be so riveting to watch. And why, when you have such wonderful deviance on a show like this, would you ever find yourself watching any of the train wreck reality shows on VH-1? Has enough murder, cursing, fucking and drinking to satisfy any hardcore Johnny Cash fan. And don't forget the kidney stones. I know I never will.


Shows I've Heard Are Brilliant But Haven't Watched Yet:

Battlestar Gallactica

Freaks and Geeks

Rescue Me

Bones

Torchwood

Friday Night Lights

Sports Night


Old Shows I Need To See Again Before I Put Them On This List

Moonlighting

St. Elsewhere

Rockford Files

Taxi

The Prisoner

duotrope.com

If you write, you know how difficult it can be keeping up with the reading periods, contact information, themes, and other aspects of literary journals as you prepare your work for publication. I want to recommend the website Duotrope.com as an indispensable resource for fiction writers and poets. The website tracks all sorts of valuable information for writers, including the response times from editors, the percentage of those responses that are acceptances versus rejections, and it breaks that information down even further by including data on how many of the rejections are personal versus form. You can see recent covers of the magazine and link to the magazine's website to see if it looks like something you'd be interested in subscribing or submitting to. Duotrope sweeps through the websites and checks the status of markets that remain idle too long or do not respond to submitters or editors. At this time there's no tracking mechanism for creative non-fiction, and magazines that only solicit book length mss. or do not have a web presence are not included in the database. Still, I can think of no other resource that is as consistently useful as Duotrope.com, so if you write and submit your work, check it out.

Album Recommendations

Album Recommendations:

Arcade Fire: Funeral-- When I first heard the single Neighborhood #1 I worried that this might be one of those albums that had a brilliant track or two, but ultimately fell flat. I'm happy to say that it finds its way into my CD player several times a month. It has an everything-but-the -kitchen-sink approach to it and I think it's inventive melodicism is one of its strongest traits. I often think of the Talking Heads when I listen to this album, not because of the percussion, but something in the vocal delivery reminds me of David Byrne. This is an album you can go back to again and again.

Belle and Sebastian: Tigermilk-- Their first album, and for me, still their best. I like assorted tracks from their other, later albums, but there's a wistful tone to Tigermilk that holds my interest more than the albums that followed. I can listen to Black Sabbath and Belle and Sebastian within seconds of each other and not have anything bad happen to my brain. Not all people are wired the way I am though, and this is a group that many people just can't get into. I think people like that probably kill small rodents and probably have personal hygiene problems, but hey, this is America, you can have poor taste if you want to.

Big Star: #1 Record/Radio City-- This is one of those albums that, if you stop after only a listen or two, you'll find yourself asking what's the big deal. If on the other hand you put it on repeat and listen to it all morning, you suddenly find that you can't get songs like September Gurls and Thirteen out of your head. Alex Chilton is the angsty teenager incarnate. His songs are exactly about every great or horrible day you had when you were in high school. You could do a lot worse in the way of having a soundtrack to your life.

Buckley, Jeff: Grace-- When this album was initially released I remember reading the Spin magazine review that gave it a six out of ten. Rolling Stone gave it a solid three stars. Now you routinely see this album listed near the top of the decade's best albums and many young artists say the album was hugely influential to them. The album cannot be separated from the tragedy of Buckley's drowning, and he, like so many artists who die to young, would have been thrilling to follow over the course of a long career. Some critics quibble about some of the more theatrical qualities of Buckley's song choices, but I love that element of this album, the way it swells with emotion and uses silence as well as the dynamic rush of Buckley's singing to move listeners. A treasure of an album.


World Party: Goodbye Jumbo-- If Karl Wallinger had maintained the level of quality he produced with Goodbye Jumbo I don't know how he could have avoided worldwide fame. This album track for track ranks with any masterpiece by any band. It wears its influences on its album sleeve: you hear Prince, the Beatles and the Who, but the way Wallinger nods at his musical loves, it never veers into mockery or cliche'. The other thing I love about this album is how seamlessly it moves from beautiful ballads to upbeat numbers that make you want to dance your ass off. I'm not particularly good at dancing my ass off, so I remain seated and just sort of percolate.

20 Classic Film Recommendations

The Apartment-- While critics often prefer Wilder's Some Like It Hot, I've always thought this film had more heart. The film is strange in all the right ways, and while the main characters operate in a very cartoon world, the risks they take are very real. The scene in the Chinese restaurant near the end of the film? I'm not sure Shirley McClaine has ever been better.

Breakfast at Tiffany's-- I could do without the whole Mickey Rooney/ Chinese guy routine, but this film still captures a riveting performance from the luminous Audrey Hepburn, a great song in Moon River, and a cat that will absolutely break your heart. Even George Peppard shows a bit of soul in this film about the risks involved in not risking anything for love.

Charade--Great score, great ensemble cast, and one of the tightest suspense thrillers of this era not made by Hitchcock. You'll never look at philately the same way again.


Rope-- One of my favorite "second tier" Hitchcock thrillers. It's emotionally detached as it delves into the calculations involved in murder, and while Stewart addresses what he believes to be theoretical moral questions, he holds some peculiar views. When circumstances become less theoretical, Stewart uncovers some squirmy facts about his worldview.


Rear Window--Wow, Grace Kelly has never looked better. I love the color saturation in this film. When I first saw this film as a child, I wanted to live in an apartment just like the one Stewart lived in. A great story about voyeurism, murder, and helplessness. My favorite Hitchcock.


Lawrence of Arabia-- David Lean's masterpiece. Yes, it's a long film, and meditative, and would be best seen on a movie screen, but it is an astounding performance by the blue-eyed Peter O'Toole and to watch his transformation into a true dessert warrior is to enjoy one of the filmdom's great roles.


Peeping Tom--Powell and Pressburger. People were not ready for this kind of film when it was first released. A strange, disturbing, and oddly beautiful film. One of Martin Scorcese's favorites.


Straight Time-- While Dustin Hoffman has had gritty roles before, Ratso Rizzo in Midnight Cowboy being a prime example, those roles always seem a bit mannered to me. His role in Straight Time is priceless because he is the low-life ex-con and you believe in the exactness of that character from the first shot on. I have met anyone who saw this film who wasn't blown away by the performance or the fact that so few people have seen it.


The Verdict-- Paul Newman was remarkably consistent in selecting great roles. This is the film he absolutely should have won an Oscar for (you could pick four or five others and not be wrong) but his portrayal as the washed up drunkard of a lawyer is so desperate and sadly believable that a viewer can't help but wish everything came together perfectly for him in the end. An amazing film that deserves to be mentioned with the best of its era.

Cool Hand Luke-- I love the scene after he's told his mother has passed and he goes to his bunk and sings this soft little song. Newman does more with his eyes than just about any actor who has been in the business. It's almost a cliche to include this film, and viewers like it more often than critics, but damn-- it's just so satisfying.

The Third Man-- It may be sacrilege, but I have to say, I like this film better than Casablanca. The set piece with the Ferris Wheel is pretty incredible, and Orson Welles is the perfect blend of charm and menace. The ruined landscapes, both psychological and literal, are captured by Carol Reed perfectly.

Mask-- I often wonder what would have happened to Cher's film career if she'd concentrated on acting instead of making light weight pop albums. Her roles in Moonstruck and Mask are so rich and tough, I can't think of many like them. This is one of Peter Bogdanovich's best films, and the unrecognizable Eric Stoltz gives a warm performance as a lioness' only cub. Great film in a minor key.

The Station Agent-- This is one of those films that sneaks up on you. It is wholly likable and you get the difficulties the characters have in relating to each other and dealing with the world in general. Bobby Carnivale almost steals the film as a talkative goofball who runs counter to the more meditative themes of the film. Thank God, or the film would be a tragedy.

Stalag 17-- Another great Billy Wilder film and a perfect role for William Holden. I've been told this was the model for Hogan's Heroes, and you can see elements of that here. I love the cat and mouse game between Holden's scapegoat and the real culprit. I can't help but watch this every time it's on.

Unforgiven-- I doubt that Eastwood could have made this film if he hadn't made the many other westerns this one reacts to. While there have been other films where the guy in the white hat wasn't necessarily the hero, this film crawls into the gray areas of morality and asks tough questions of people who think they are tough. A very austere and spare performance, and a hint at the direction Eastwood with take with future roles.

Broken Arrow-- Jimmy Stewart made many fine westerns with Anthony Mann but this film by Delmer Daves that is every bit the equal of those great Mann films. Gone are the crazed tomahawk-wielding Indians of the John Ford films. This film deals with human nature, the instincts toward revenge that follows any profound grief. A remarkable western.

12 Angry Men-- This film could have been stagy and static, but the atmosphere is electric and the cast of relative unknowns brings the script alive. I love this film because it is a champion of engagement over apathy, reason over emotion. The fact the film stars Henry Fonda, Jack Klugman, EG Marshall, Jack Warden and many other great character actors only adds to its value.


Jaws-- We're gonna need a bigger boat. I don't know why some critics hate this film. Robert Shaw, Roy Scheider, and Richard Dreyfus in one picture? So what if it became an amusement ride at Universal, the film has some seriously great dialogue, great performances, and a robotic shark that worked just often enough to scare the shingles off a roof. Maybe if it were in French with subtitles those critics would have loved it. A popcorn movie? Absolutely. That isn't necessarily a bad thing.

The Thing.--To me, this is John Carpenter's finest film hands down. The special effects are still phenomenal. And the special effects were only a small part of what scared the hell out of viewers. The sense of vulnerability and clausterphobia are felt intensely. Sure it's a dark film, but we don't need Mary Poppins cropping up in every film we see, do we?

Terms of Endearment-- Aside from Old Yeller and Where the Red Fern Grows, this is the only other film to ever make me cry. Jeff Daniels is so real in this film, and the other characters as well. I'm sure much of that can be credited to the source material, Larry McMurtry's fine book, but the actors and direction of this film bring it to life. The performances are unforgetable and you won't soon shake this film after you've seen it. Make sure you have a box of tissues handy. You'll need them if you're human.

Send Lawyers, Guns and Money...

In this country you have the right to carry a firearm, but just because you carry a firearm doesn't mean you are smarter than the people who happen to be unarmed and think you are an idiot. In this country you have the right to be stupid as long as it doesn't interfere with the rest of us. While I recognize your right to be stupid, I also understand that your stupidity is more dangerous. Now you can shoot people you disagree with.

God knows we are a nation of ignorant people, and the tea parties that are cropping up across America are the closest things we have to parades celebrating sheer stupidity. You get the tree of liberty quotes. The verbal jabs about Obama being equal to Hitler. You get the take-back-my-country histrionics. Comparing Obama to Hitler is wrong on so many levels it's difficult to know where to start in refuting it. Obama isn't rounding up homosexuals, intellectuals (elites), minorities and Jews. Obama isn't blaming the economic down turn on illegals (outsiders), and he's thoughtful and inclusive in a way Hitler was incapable of being. What seems to be happening is this: the far right wants to encourage the overthrow of a democratically elected president because he's trying to pass legislation they aren't happy with. Instead of raising their voices in respectful dissent and making their case to the American people, they've jumped ahead to fomenting armed insurrection. The far right has become the party with a new motto. The end justifies the means. When, at a town hall the other day, a WWII veteran said to Chuck Grassley, "The president of the United States, that's who you should be concerned about. Because he's acting like a little Hitler," said Tom Eisenhower, a World War II veteran. "I'd take a gun to Washington if enough of you would go with me," Grassley did not call this veteran out for his comments. Grassley shows the same lack of moral character as any who appeased Hitler. When these false and hysterical comparisons go unchallenged, they diminish the evil committed by Hitler, they help dehumanize Obama to those on the right, and they dangerously ramp up the kind of anger and derision that produces tragic outcomes in this country.

There's been a nasty undercurrent of racism in much of the criticism leveled at Obama and what he is trying to accomplish. Men gather with guns strapped to their legs and rifles thrown over their shoulders. They carry ominous signs. They speak in veiled threats. They are stirred up by the rhetoric of politicians and pundits and are heartened by their silence when they speak openly of violent revolution. In the contested election between Bush and Gore, one could argue that democrats had every right to take to the streets in protest of a deeply flawed election. There was plenty of ugliness after the Supreme Court's decision to install Bush as our president, but no one threatened revolution. Democrats took their lumps, voiced their dissent, and came back to power with the vote. It's the way the system works.

Right now fear has hold over many Americans and they are allowing themselves to believe some preposterous things, to allow some preposterous things. They see ominous motives behind every government action. They need to take a deep breath. They need to calm their crazy neighbors. They need to recognize the moderate voices among their own members. They need to recognize that the right to carry a gun does not give them the right to deny others the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness no matter how disgruntled they are. There are no Hitlers in the White House, but we do have fascists among us and we need to challenge them. Democrat or Republican, we need to call them out.

Reward Smart Scripts

So many horror and sci-fi films, hell, films in general, are mushy-headed messes. I love the success of the film District 9, and while it has its flaws, this summer's sci-fi offering is a cut above most recent sci-fi films. I like a fair share of crap that I can't quite explain, but the cultier films like Buckaroo Banzai or A Boy and His Dog are fun without having the strained personalites of middling actors or scripts that could have been scrawled on the back of placemat. So many of today's blockbusters blow their creative wad on set pieces, stunts, car chases and explosions. They spackle in bits of plot to connect those high-dollar explosions to the nude scenes or the CGI effects. They create a film that barely breaks even and has the shelf life of fresh strawberries. I know classics are as much a fluke as anything. Having the talented cast, the right director, the great script and still have it come out great in the end without the studio noodling with it-- a good deal of that is luck. But when we get a film like Alien, or Aliens, the Excorcist, or the Thing, it amplifies the hollowness of most of Hollywood's silly offerings.

I still remember the first time I saw the Excorcist. The makeup, the musical score, the atmosphere and special effects all scared the crap out of me, but even then a scene that sunk into my mind and stayed there was the party where Regan comes downstairs in a daze and tells the astronaut "You're gonna die up there." I knew then exactly what kind of evil the characters were dealing with, and it didn't involve one head spin or a half a pint of pea soup. The hackles on the back of my neck didn't come down until late that night. If you want to attract sharks, by all means, chum the waters. Go for the cheap thrills ( I havent' seen a cat jump out of a closet in a few years) but please, try occasionally to give me the good old fashioned scare. I'll pay good money for that and I'll keep coming back.